“Believe in all the good things, That money just can’t buy.”
-Aerosmith, “Eat The Rich”

photo courtesy of wkrg.com

Despite the confidence we all had going into Wednesday’s drawing, the certainty that we, against the 1 in 292 million odds, would be the one who was lucky enough to have their life change in an instant, only three remained victorious. Three? Pssh, if I can’t have all the billions I don’t want it anyway! The three victors hail from California, Florida, and Tennessee respectively. They each have chosen to remain anonymous for the time being (as in the writing of this sentence), but they should continue to keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. However, when someone drops a $200,000 tip at the local Waffle House then maybe questions will start to surface. They could actually probably just buy the chain diner for cheaper than that. Come to think of it, I could probably do so as well, I have about $1,000 saved.

These three claimants, when they choose to cash in, have the excruciating decision of taking the lump sum of $983.5 million split three ways or they can each take a multi-year annuity to receive the full $528.8 million they won. First world problems, people, and now three more have 1%-er problems.

The winning numbers were 08, 27, 34, 04, 19 and the Powerball was 10. My wife and I had three of those numbers scattered across six tickets. What is that worth? Can I have a share? Seriously, is a couple million two much to ask for? It is actually, and the jackpot is just too much money in general, but before the balls jumped around and were sucked out and revealed (that sounds inappropriate), all the believers and dreamers already had a plan of where their money would go. Here’s what I would do:

-My parents could finally stop working.
-My sister would no longer have student loans.
-My family and close friends would be taken care of.
-My future children would have accounts in their name, but can’t touch the money until they get their first job after college. Then, my kids’ kids and their kids’ kids would all be taken care of in a similar way.
-I would invest.
-I would save.
-I would start a non-profit, and my wife another for respective causes we deemed necessary to support.
-I would start an animal protection/environment non-profit in my friend’s name so he can shut up and stop pushing his annoying agenda and act on his plan to save the world.
-Then I would probably donate like 90% of it.

A couple of things: Thing first, I did not indicate that I would buy anything; thing second, how the hell could I give 90% of it away? I wouldn’t have anything for myself! Actually I would still have almost $53 million left which is still way too much money. However, I don’t know what goes into it all so I would talk to an attorney and a financial advisor and also take the multi-year annuity. What the hell is someone going to do with that lump sum if they took it all at once? It’s not like your mattress is that big to stuff it in. Or maybe you can buy a mattress that big!

Proceeds from purchased tickets already go towards certain things like education, and federal and state governments before and after (jerks). Wouldn’t it be nice (good Beach Boys’ song) if the government would have won? No, but I’m still interested in where you’re going with this. They could pay off .008% of our National Debt. Geez, that’s pathetic.

I believe Powerball should implement a rule where a certain amount of your winnings should be dedicated to charities. However, you just can’t tell people what to do? Who am I? The government? Well, I do have student loans, a mortgage, and a car payment. Ah, the American way: Debt. My wife observed how many people won’t donate their money under normal circumstances, but when there is a chance to better their lives they have this extra cash all of a sudden. We’re missing out on a lot of things here, and the money needs to land in the hands of people who will make good decisions with it. This is money that could change the world as well as one’s life. You don’t need this much money; 99.9% of the world will probably never reach that cumulative amount in their lifetime, even some countries won’t even accumulate that much. My advice, from one non-winner to the next, is to truly think about what the money could be used for if you made no life alterations after receiving the funds. It’s tough to not fantasize about things you want instead of realizing what others desperately need. It has taken me many potential jackpots, years and years to come to the above list (a couple paragraphs ago) for when I win. However, I’m starting to lose confidence.

So you’re telling me there’s a chance! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMRrNY0pxfM

Good luck!




HAPPY 2015! DAMMIT, I MEAN “2016”

“It seems such a waste of time, If that’s what it’s all about, Mama if that’s movin’ up, Then I’m movin’ out.”
-Billy Joel, “Movin’ Out”

It’s that time of the year again; the time were everyone realizes they should have made a change months ago, if not last New Year’s Day or the one before or the one five years before then. As Joe Dirt once said, “The past is past, the future’s now.”



Photo courtesy of fashionstyle.com


I’m sure other more-credible people than a hilarious fictional character portrayed by David Spade have said the phrase or even provided the world with better guidance, but we don’t have the time to search the ends of the earth for every amateur philosopher; plus, you just have to listen when someone with a mullet gives sound advice because it’s just so damn unexpected.

So here we are, on the verge of a new change, a new resolution season for the common resolutionaires (if that’s a real term, you know what, it is now, making up new terms is on my list for 2016). It’s difficult to maintain a promise to yourself when you’ve become so accustomed to what makes you comfortable. Here’s my list.

-Be more patient.
-Spend more time with family.
-Publish a few more books and screenplays.
-Ghost write more and more… and more.
-Progress in the piano and in sports.
-Write an album.
-Stay healthy.
-Try not to write “2015” on any of my documents.
-Try not to hear a Maroon 5 song.

Judging by the last two, I’m not off to a good start. I messed up the title (and left it obviously) and I heard “Sugar” or whatever that annoying high-pitched song is called this morning at the gym. However, that just proves some things are not in your control. Another example is saying that my New Year’s resolution is for the Redskins to win the Super Bowl (and not change their name). Hail!


Photo courtesy of oddshark.com


What should you do? Start simple, don’t go all out and shock your body and mind. If you want to get healthy then take it one step at a time; if you want to get a new job be patient and consider all advantages and disadvantages; if you want to progress then practice; if you want to stop being lazy then stop being fooled by influences and hypnotized by reality television; and if you want to be less stressed out then stop concentrating on the all the bull shit the world is doing. Which brings us to the next question: what should the world do? Stop all the bull shit, duh.

I was going to put a picture of something here, but it’s better we move on from the heinous acts we witnessed in 2015. 

Just like you don’t have control to change everything on your list, we don’t have control to change the world (yet). It’s a slippery slope from little things like issues that only affect a tiny percentage of the population, but are put on the grand stand by the media and pushy activists no one truly respects and quickly becomes annoyed with, to the chaotic turmoil that the world has brought upon itself. In other words, focus on yourself. Maybe if each of us makes a small amount of change then we can alter the world in a better direction in a cumulative sense. Remember, keep it simple, the answers are easier than you think.

Give it a month to stay on track and we will see how we all do (whoever is reading this that is, so like 2 people including me). The past is past and the future is now.